So Southampton now becomes my spiritual home. Here I found a ready-made group of similar-aged, similar-outlook young people who took me into their heart and gave me a real sense of belonging. I guess, in hindsight, I was kind of desperate for that, and so I threw myself into this with everything I knew. Before I knew it, I was involved almost every night. Young people’s group, drama, boys brigade, house groups – you name it, I couldn’t say no to it, and before long everything revolved around that group. I think it was these years which really cemented that conservative evangelical perspective for me, and I really did think this was it. I knew the answers, I’d been told them, and I was able to repeat them to order. And I believed them, I really did. Here was a family of people that really accepted me and affirmed me, and I was more than willing to affirm the beliefs that made me part of this family. I learnt the language, took on board the values, and was fully immersed in this Christian experience. I was even prepared to harangue people in the local precinct with the proselytising that went by the name of “Street Drama”. This was a period of certainty, of clarity, of purpose (and I really miss that about those times).
And yet, looking back, the occasional sense of unease did creep through. The sense that things might not be as straightforward as they seemed. Yet if there was doubt or uncertainty, I believe that was just something that would be overcome as I grew and learnt more.
And grow and learn I did. By 1990 I, along with my wife and a few others, ended up leading the young people’s group. Looking back, I can scarcely believe that happened, or that I (then still only 25) could be trusted with that. It was during that time that we took a group of young people to Spring Harvest. And it was during that time that two paths presented themselves in a way that – in hindsight – I feel I’ve spent almost the following twenty years trying to resolve.
The first of these took place during one of the big evening meetings. Again, the usual call up to the front for people who felt some kind of calling, to be prayed for. And suddenly this seemed to be speaking to me. In the back of my mind for a while had been the nagging thought that I should be getting involved in leading worship and preaching. But it had been something that I’d pushed to the back of my mind, often dismissing it as vain ambition, not a genuine call. And yet, a this event, it suddenly became clear to me that this really was what God wanted me to do. So I went forward, was prayed for (I remember there being people falling over all over the place as they were prayed for, and being somewhat disappointed that this didn’t happen to me). And I felt a real sense of affirmation that this was right, that this was where I should be heading, that this was the next step in God’s step for me.
However, the other path was also opening up as well. The event at which this call came was not the main big-top worship event, but a smaller (relatively speaking) event that ran in parallel. And the reason I’d ended up there was because I had started to feel uncomfortable with what I perceived as a very manipulative atmosphere in that big-top. The event seemed to me over-hyped, very directive, full of inanities, and intellectually questionable. I just didn’t feel comfortable with this style of worship, and it opened up a whole series of questions in my mind about the genuineness of this experience.
Those two paths only seem obvious to me in hindsight. At the time I was ready to following that preaching and worship-leading path (something which my church affirmed in me), and was prepared to live with the uncomfortableness that I’d found in that big-top. In fact, I’d rationalised this apparent conflict in my head in a very positive way – being in a position to lead worship and preach gave me an opportunity to present a more measured, more thoughtful, more reflective version. It put me in a position to make a difference. And – to a degree – I think I did. I definitely developed a certain style and attitude in the way that I went about this, something distinctive from what else was being done in the church. And whilst not everybody might have appreciated it, I think that there was a certain constituency who appreciated that and got something from it.
And so it seemed that all was well, that things would just carry on this way, and that I would be a reliable, if slightly left-of-centre, part of this community for as long as could be perceived.
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